I’ll admit it. When I drive the kids’ carpool or overhear interactions during “play dates,” there are times I feel conflicted. One child makes a subtle statement or comment that seems to take aim at another child’s perceived weakness. It is these subtle jabs that I struggle with – do I jump in or let the children figure it out on their own? If it were a blatant physical attack the course of action would be clear. However, sneaky mental shots can be extremely detrimental. I want my kids to be able to identify the behavior so they can avoid doing it themselves, avoid being hurt by it and learn how to respond without stooping to the same level.
As a business person I sometimes see these same behaviors when interacting with others. I recognize that learning to work effectively with a wide range of people is important for success. Likewise it is valuable to learn how to handle those mental jabs effectively without taking it personally or derailing you from your objectives. Given this, I am routinely looking for ways to improve how I respond to snarky comments and how to better counsel others when faced with challenging situations or individuals.
Recently a colleague referred me to a couple of books she read during a university course on conflict communications. One of those books was Nasty People: How to Stop Being Hurt by Them without Stooping to Their Level. While the title is definitely provocative, the reality is we have all run across someone at one time or another who was nasty or rude. Perhaps you walked away feeling badly about yourself or your management abilities. This book offers guidance for dealing with people that are “invalidators” – people “who feed on your self-esteem, mental anguish, and unhappiness.”
The book helped me put specific behaviors I observed in perspective and provided tips for how to deal with future situations more effectively. The examples in the book also helped me identify aspects of my own behavior that may be perceived as ineffective, or worse, nasty. One basic but helpful reminder from the book is, “when you criticize someone or point out a mistake or misdeed, are you doing it for that person’s own good or to hurt?” Ultimately we can only control our own behavior and how we choose to react. When faced with a conflict or someone that is rude or snarky, the author recommends that you try to understand the person’s intent as well as your own. This will help you determine how you choose to react, or not.
As for my kids and their interactions with their friends, I’m learning to let them manage those relationships, while also trying to help them identify how they feel during those situations, understand the other person’s underlying interests and intent so hopefully they too can avoid being hurt by invalidators they encounter and not become an invalidator themselves.